Wednesday, May 2, 2012

It wasn't always laughs

There were times it wasn't always laughs growing up.  


Face slapping to this day is something I have a love/hate relationship with.  With the right person, at the right time, it is a huge turn-on, and something very, very intimate.  With the wrong person, it can be devastating.


My mom was a slapper.


I am a very literal person.  I always have been, always will be.  I do not understand reading between the lines, nuances, non-verbal cues.  


One time I was standing by the toaster and I asked my mom, "How long before we leave to go to Aunt Iva's?"  The toaster had sides that were like mirrors and I could see my mom come near me to do something.  She replied, "In a little while."  I said, "Is a little while five minutes or fifty minutes, or what?"  And that is the first slap that I remember, right in my face.  


Back when I was a little girl, Sears had a candy kiosk in the middle of the store.  We would pass by it on the way out, and once I asked my mom if I could have some candy and she said, "No."  I wasn't being bratty, I was trying to find out the logical reason of why I was not allowed to have candy and I asked, "Why not?"  There was no logical answer, there was only a slap.  This slap was extremely humiliating.  Kids saw.  Mothers saw.  Store clerks saw.  I was fighting back tears.  I couldn't wait to get to the car fast enough.  And I swore right then and there if I ever had kids, I would never slap them in the face.


And I never have.


I would like to say that those were my only two experiences with face slapping and humiliation, but they weren't.  


Decades later, I was able to use role play with a dominant during an interrogation scene where I requested beforehand that he verbally humiliate me and slap my face repeatedly no matter how much I cry.  He insisted I have a safeword and use it if I needed to, and I promised I would.  


I would like to say that that scene purged the episode with my mom in Sears, but it didn't.  It helped, but it didn't quite address the issue.


To this day, face slapping is something I consider very intimate and very personal and I only do that with someone I trust.  I consider it a great stepping stone when I feel secure enough to engage in this with a particular person.  And, decades later, when I became a professional dominatrix, I still to this day consider face slapping a very personal, intimate thing that I will only do with clients with whom I feel comfortable.  


I feel BDSM is important for many reasons but one of them is that it can be a therapeutic way to act out through role play traumatic events in childhood and work through them.  I have three clients who saw me multiple times for Adult Baby play.  On the phonesex and webcam line that I work for, baby play is prohibited and strictly against the rules.  I disagree with this.  Many of the people I talk to NEED to revisit their childhood in a safe, loving, nurturing environment to work out deep seated emotional needs that were not met.  I consider it an honor for a client to choose me to take them back to that scary, horrible place, and try to help them rebuild it as a different reality.  The gratitude in their eyes says it all.


Since I am single, I have not engaged in face slapping for quite some time.  Most recently, it was Ramen, the Egyptian, and that is a story (or two or twenty) for another day soon.  Man, oh man.  Ramen.  I thought he was The One.  But it was not to be.  He sure brought out some latent submissiveness in me I thought was long gone, but it just didn't work out.  But boy did he know how to bring me to a place of such deep dark total submission, face slapping was just the logical conclusion.  I would cringe every time he raised a hand, whether it was to grab a collar or turn on a light, due to reflexes from his frequent slaps, and to this day I am not sure if that bothered him, or pleased him.  Maybe a little of both.  No matter, it's over now.  


But I think the day will come when I will be playing with someone I trust during role play, finally figure out what it was that happened inside of me that day, and receive closure.


That will be a very good day.


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