There were times it wasn't always laughs growing up.
Face slapping to this day is something I have a love/hate relationship with. With the right person, at the right time, it is a huge turn-on, and something very, very intimate. With the wrong person, it can be devastating.
My mom was a slapper.
I am a very literal person. I always have been, always will be. I do not understand reading between the lines, nuances, non-verbal cues.
One time I was standing by the toaster and I asked my mom, "How long before we leave to go to Aunt Iva's?" The toaster had sides that were like mirrors and I could see my mom come near me to do something. She replied, "In a little while." I said, "Is a little while five minutes or fifty minutes, or what?" And that is the first slap that I remember, right in my face.
Back when I was a little girl, Sears had a candy kiosk in the middle of the store. We would pass by it on the way out, and once I asked my mom if I could have some candy and she said, "No." I wasn't being bratty, I was trying to find out the logical reason of why I was not allowed to have candy and I asked, "Why not?" There was no logical answer, there was only a slap. This slap was extremely humiliating. Kids saw. Mothers saw. Store clerks saw. I was fighting back tears. I couldn't wait to get to the car fast enough. And I swore right then and there if I ever had kids, I would never slap them in the face.
And I never have.
I would like to say that those were my only two experiences with face slapping and humiliation, but they weren't.
Decades later, I was able to use role play with a dominant during an interrogation scene where I requested beforehand that he verbally humiliate me and slap my face repeatedly no matter how much I cry. He insisted I have a safeword and use it if I needed to, and I promised I would.
I would like to say that that scene purged the episode with my mom in Sears, but it didn't. It helped, but it didn't quite address the issue.
To this day, face slapping is something I consider very intimate and very personal and I only do that with someone I trust. I consider it a great stepping stone when I feel secure enough to engage in this with a particular person. And, decades later, when I became a professional dominatrix, I still to this day consider face slapping a very personal, intimate thing that I will only do with clients with whom I feel comfortable.
I feel BDSM is important for many reasons but one of them is that it can be a therapeutic way to act out through role play traumatic events in childhood and work through them. I have three clients who saw me multiple times for Adult Baby play. On the phonesex and webcam line that I work for, baby play is prohibited and strictly against the rules. I disagree with this. Many of the people I talk to NEED to revisit their childhood in a safe, loving, nurturing environment to work out deep seated emotional needs that were not met. I consider it an honor for a client to choose me to take them back to that scary, horrible place, and try to help them rebuild it as a different reality. The gratitude in their eyes says it all.
Since I am single, I have not engaged in face slapping for quite some time. Most recently, it was Ramen, the Egyptian, and that is a story (or two or twenty) for another day soon. Man, oh man. Ramen. I thought he was The One. But it was not to be. He sure brought out some latent submissiveness in me I thought was long gone, but it just didn't work out. But boy did he know how to bring me to a place of such deep dark total submission, face slapping was just the logical conclusion. I would cringe every time he raised a hand, whether it was to grab a collar or turn on a light, due to reflexes from his frequent slaps, and to this day I am not sure if that bothered him, or pleased him. Maybe a little of both. No matter, it's over now.
But I think the day will come when I will be playing with someone I trust during role play, finally figure out what it was that happened inside of me that day, and receive closure.
That will be a very good day.
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Crib
Did you know that soap operas are slowly dying off, one by one?
I watched soap operas for years. How could I not? Some of my earliest memories are of soap operas.
My mom listened to her soaps on the radio. Then this thing called TV was invented and my mom religiously followed them on that newfangled thing.
My mom had five children and a busy household to run, extended family to counsel, a husband to care for, and a big house to take care of. When I was very young, whether I was tired or not, I was put down for a nap. My mom needed the time to do things without worrying about an infant getting into trouble.
My crib was right by my bedroom door, and I could look out of my bedroom door into the living room where I could see the TV playing. I remember characters on General Hospital that were killed off decades ago.
Sometimes I fell asleep, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I was bored stiff and would watch the soaps. Sometimes I would listen to my mom talk on the phone to aunts, grandmothers, friends. Sometimes I would try to climb out of the crib.
I managed to do this a few times, and I would always laugh and laugh that I got out of that crib. "Hang on, Florence, my monkey escaped." And she would lift me up and put me back in the crib with a scolding look in her eye. I am not sure what my personal best was for climbing out of that crib in one day, but I bet my mom could tell you.
One day my mom was painting and I must have gotten into the paint so she put me down for a nap and actually tied one of my wrists to one end of a piece of rope and tied the other end to the bottom of the crib. Yeah, nowadays I am sure this would be abuse but I thought it was great fun. I don't know how long it took me, but I managed to untie her knot, climb out of the crib, and laugh when I found her.
She was not amused.
Another time she put something over the crib as a cover and it was weighted down so I couldn't get out. I pushed and pushed and pushed until whatever it was came crashing down to the floor with a huge BAAAAAAAAAAAANG.
She was not amused at that either.
The knots got tighter, and harder to undo. I am sure there were times she had to cut the rope off me after my naptime, but I don't recall that. But I do know I fell asleep many a time trying to get it undone. Like a little puzzle or some other relaxing endeavor that makes you sleepy.
Like I said, nowadays I am sure that would be considered child abuse. But for me it was great fun to see who would win that day's knot.
I have been told this may be why I love bondage to this day. They may be right. I don't know.
But to this day, the first thing I do when I am put into bondage is to try the bonds. And when I escape some really good knots, I still laugh gleefully.
And hope I don't get scolded!
See my x-rated videos and photos here
Webcam and phonesex here
I'm a twit! Follow me here
I watched soap operas for years. How could I not? Some of my earliest memories are of soap operas.
My mom listened to her soaps on the radio. Then this thing called TV was invented and my mom religiously followed them on that newfangled thing.
My mom had five children and a busy household to run, extended family to counsel, a husband to care for, and a big house to take care of. When I was very young, whether I was tired or not, I was put down for a nap. My mom needed the time to do things without worrying about an infant getting into trouble.
My crib was right by my bedroom door, and I could look out of my bedroom door into the living room where I could see the TV playing. I remember characters on General Hospital that were killed off decades ago.
Sometimes I fell asleep, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I was bored stiff and would watch the soaps. Sometimes I would listen to my mom talk on the phone to aunts, grandmothers, friends. Sometimes I would try to climb out of the crib.
I managed to do this a few times, and I would always laugh and laugh that I got out of that crib. "Hang on, Florence, my monkey escaped." And she would lift me up and put me back in the crib with a scolding look in her eye. I am not sure what my personal best was for climbing out of that crib in one day, but I bet my mom could tell you.
One day my mom was painting and I must have gotten into the paint so she put me down for a nap and actually tied one of my wrists to one end of a piece of rope and tied the other end to the bottom of the crib. Yeah, nowadays I am sure this would be abuse but I thought it was great fun. I don't know how long it took me, but I managed to untie her knot, climb out of the crib, and laugh when I found her.
She was not amused.
Another time she put something over the crib as a cover and it was weighted down so I couldn't get out. I pushed and pushed and pushed until whatever it was came crashing down to the floor with a huge BAAAAAAAAAAAANG.
She was not amused at that either.
The knots got tighter, and harder to undo. I am sure there were times she had to cut the rope off me after my naptime, but I don't recall that. But I do know I fell asleep many a time trying to get it undone. Like a little puzzle or some other relaxing endeavor that makes you sleepy.
Like I said, nowadays I am sure that would be considered child abuse. But for me it was great fun to see who would win that day's knot.
I have been told this may be why I love bondage to this day. They may be right. I don't know.
But to this day, the first thing I do when I am put into bondage is to try the bonds. And when I escape some really good knots, I still laugh gleefully.
And hope I don't get scolded!
See my x-rated videos and photos here
Webcam and phonesex here
I'm a twit! Follow me here
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